david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
