i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you didnt know i had herpes?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
