he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i came on her dog
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
