It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
