I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
