Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
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