Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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