my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize