I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
