I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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