I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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