Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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