i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
