It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
