you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
