I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
