I cut my penus on the lid.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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