wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i came on her dog
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
