if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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