Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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