The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize