Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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