Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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