God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
only you would photoshop your dick
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
