We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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