Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
