I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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