omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
