you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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