God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
