At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
