You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
