ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
