i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
