Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
