hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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