you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
