I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
