you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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