we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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