My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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