Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
