so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
