I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We left an ass print on the piano.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
