Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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