see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
