yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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