Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
