it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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