I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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