You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My ATM looks so different sober.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
