my phone needs a breathalizer
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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