I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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