I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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