someone get that fucking seahorse.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
